By  Stuart Green

Gavel to Gravel: A Town Meeting of the minds

“Order, order, or the best we can do under the circumstances of disorder. I hereby, herewith, heretofore, and haircut call the Annual Tom Meeting to order. And I should know. I’m Tom.

“My friends in the third grade call me Tommy, but that’s neither here nor there – or even way over there. But you can just call me Mr. See-ya-later.

“We have several important, crucial, issues for our fellow third-graders that we’ll vote on with all due speed and nonchalance, where they’ll remain on the books in perpetuity – or until at least next month when we’ll promptly forget all about them.

“Let us take our jobs as Tom Meeting reps seriously, staying here as long as we have to – but not past 8:30 coz that’s when my mom says I better be home by and get to bed.

“First, I’d like to point – which really isn’t very polite - that, after years of waiting, each member finally has their own, individual kicker so they can vote. The process is pretty simple – if you are for a motion, kick once; against, kick twice. Those who abstain have nothing to kick about.

“I’d like to call for a quorum, but I don’t have the number. So I’ll just see who we have here – Susie, Freddy, Bananahead, Rhino, and Peach Smoothie. The number being higher than the sum of a grasshopper’s hind legs and lower than my kite still in the wires two weeks later (thanks, Bananahead!), I will declare quorum. Here goes: `Quorum.’

“Our first order of business, in order, is a petition article, signed by every member of the third grade, and three second-graders who really know how to plan for the future. Will the Tammy the Tattle-taler, minister of mayhem, please read the motion?”

“Yes: That the third grade vote pursuant to G.U.M. 1223 to suspend and therefore eliminate all sense of homework by Mrs. Oh-oh (pronouns them/they), and furthermore increase out of classroom recess from the sum of the current 15 minutes to the total of 4 hours, but at no time to exceed 7 hours.”

“Thanks, Tattler. Do I have a third-grade second on the motion? I see Monkey Mandy’s tail swishing, so I’ll take that as a second.

“Now, I think we can do away with our kickers for this one and take a voice vote. All in favor, smile broadly. Opposed – don’t bother showing up in class tomorrow. That seems to have passed.

“Next, the treasurer will give his report of what’s in the treasure chest – or at least what’s left. John Silver?”

“It wasn’t my fault.”

“Well, I guess that sums up our budget right there.

“Now, the Board of Reflection has proposed the following, which I’ll read, mainly because the members have completely lost interest in the proceedings: `To wit, it is proposed that the cafeteria, known commonly as the Grub Hub, be required on a daily weekday basis, that being from Monday through Friday, inclusive, to serve French fries with every meal. It is further required to serve French fries both before every meal, and, as anticipated, after every meal.’

“Before we get to that vote, I need to make a motion to adjourn for the night. My mom just called