By Stuart Green

There’s no place like cave

A long time before Nor merged with Wood, before the States were United, before the Hemisphere was in the West, before East was East, before Up was Down, before Disco was King, and King to Rook four – and checkmate in two moves. In fact, before before was before.

So, this is going back aways… and you thought last Tuesday was hard to remember.

So, before all that (he’s starting that again?), there was a legend in these parts, although some say in parts down the road, some over the other road, and others don’t say even if we threaten them with reading this again.

But the oral annals of history record man’s first attempt to secure the proper permits to expand his dwelling place. Well, record isn’t quite accurate as this was well prior to any recording devices, not to mention records, let alone stereo hi-fi – and we’ve been letting it alone for decades now.

But, be it what it may or who’s your little whatzit, one of man’s earliest ancestors – we think 5 o’clock or so – appeared before what then was considered a town board, but really was a group of guys getting together trying to play tag with a herd of bison, which they called buffalo because they couldn’t remember the difference.

The minutes of the historic meeting only contains the rudimentary roots of two letters that were invented at the time – the dot in the “i”, and the “u,” which actually was an artist’s rendition of his uncle smiling after getting an ax handle wholesale. But, through diligent anthropological methods, lexicon deciphering, and naps at prescribed intervals, the following ancient minutes were revealed:

“Welcome to the Housing Authority’s Condo and Cave Committee meeting. We’d like to recognize Mr. Ugh-Ugh tonight. And please give our regards to your father, Mr. Ugh. Now, we understand that you’d like to expand your cave. Can you elaborate?”

“Well, maybe later. But first I’d like to talk about it. What I want to do is take the pile of rocks from the left side of my cave and put it on the right side.”

“Oh, Mr. Ugh, we had no idea your plan was so elaborate. That is going to take a detailed blueprint, permits from the Stoning Board of Appeals, continuance from the Conversation Committee, and approval from the Rejectmen. Let me ask this: Is there any way of, perhaps, simplifying your intentions?”

“Well, what if I take the pile of rocks from the right side and put it on the left side?”

“Why, of course! That would be completely acceptable to us. Why didn’t you say that in the first place?”

Stuart Green is a freelance columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].